Published inMuddyUm·Sep 23Member-onlyEscaped: Monkey Pants!If you encounter, do not approach — I’ve never felt the urge to flamboyantly express myself through the medium of underpants — or as we Brits call them: pants. I’ve always kept it simple by wearing black boxer-briefs. They’re supportive, comfortable, and get the job done. I wear them until the elastic loses the will to live…Funny4 min readFunny4 min read
Published inMuddyUm·Sep 12Member-onlyPrepare For Unexpected TurdulenceHow Delta Air Lines is making the skies a safer place to fly — Since a Delta flight from Atlanta to Barcelona was forced to turn around and make an emergency landing after a passenger “had diarrhea all the way through the plane,” the airline has amended its in-flight safety instructions to prepare for any future incidents. Ladies and gentlemen, welcome aboard Delta Flight…Funny4 min readFunny4 min read
Published inMuddyUm·Sep 9Member-onlyFrom Aspiring Actor To Your Speaking BitchUse the play button to hear how I became the sad voice behind Medium’s listening function — I really blew my acting career. Over just a few short years, my big dreams became my small reality. You could say, I’m an overnight disappointment, especially to myself. I was destined for great things on stage and screen. In high school, I was the lead in Shakespeare’s Hamlet. …Failurecontest3 min readFailurecontest3 min read
Published inMuddyUm·Sep 8Member-onlyFailure By The Truckload2nd Place Contest Winner! — The Mattel delivery truck was bright pink, but he blew it. The screech of failing metal against concrete was a deafening reminder of his success at failure. He climbed down from the truck’s cab to face the consequences of his failure to judge height. This was not surprising as he’d…Failurecontest2 min readFailurecontest2 min read
Published inMuddyUm·Sep 5Member-onlyGoodish Advice For Total MoronsIf you can read some big words too, this guidance is for you — The perception of whether advice is good or bad is relative to who you are and the situation you’re in. What may seem like bad advice to you can be the perfect nugget of wisdom to others in that moment. …Humor5 min readHumor5 min read
Published inMuddyUm·Aug 27Member-onlyLeave The TSA Alone, Or ElseDo the crime, pay the fine — This is an actual notice I saw at Newark Airport. I know what you’re thinking, “Fines of up to $13,910?” …Humor4 min readHumor4 min read
Published inThe Narrative Arc·Jul 24Member-onlyA Childhood Memory of Love, Monotony, and Hair LossMy traumatic hamster — When I was 12, a family friend said, “My hamster gave birth to a bunch of babies, d’you want one?” As a pedantic child, I wondered if “a bunch” was the correct collective noun for a litter of baby hamsters and replied, “No.” …Nonfiction6 min readNonfiction6 min read
Published inMuddyUm·Jul 16Member-onlyReject Man Will Save The DayWhy I strive for the next creative rejection — I’ve always had an affinity for crap super heroes. Those whose drive and confidence far outweigh their ability. Points In Case even published my list of not-very-super heroes. The Unsung Not-Very-Super Heroes The Human Flashlight She'll find those evil villains hiding in the dark, oh yes, she will. (Unless she's recharging at…www.pointsincase.com Recently, I enjoyed Extraordinary on Hulu, created by the fearless Emma Moran. It’s a comedy series set in a world where everyone…Humor6 min readHumor6 min read
Published inThe Narrative Arc·Jul 10Member-onlyMy Shittiest Job EverLiterally — Content Warning: story includes death of a dog from natural causes. What’s the worst job you’ve ever had? There’s a strong chance mine was worse. As a fresh-faced 17-year-old in the UK, I refused to spend another summer working in a soul-sapping retail chain, stacking shelves in a cheap polyester…Nonfiction5 min readNonfiction5 min read
Published inBeyond the Scoreboard·Jul 5Member-onlyA Swarm Night in New YorkWhen avid soccer players were faced with aphid fans — I had played too much soccer that week. A playoff semifinal on Monday night for one team and another on Tuesday for a different team. On Wednesday, I had back-to-back finals. We won the final I didn’t play in, and we lost the final I did play in. …This Happened To Me5 min readThis Happened To Me5 min read